Sunday, April 11, 2010

demotivated

This afternoon, after I woke up from my Sunday nap, I went for a lovely long walk up the highway. It's a one-lane road with gobs of traffic and no pavement/sidewalk. But it works for walking because most of the traffic is motorbikes and they just don't take up that much space.

I walked for half an hour then I turned around and walked back. On the way back I bought fruits from my favourite fruit lady. She had grapes! I can't remember the last time I've eaten grapes - I'm excited for tonight! Then I stopped by my lemon juice friends and we took photos of each other with our cameras while they made my juice.
Then I came back and had a chat with a colleague about a film we both watched this weekend: The Syrian Bride, which recounts the wedding day of a woman from the Golan Heights to a man in Syria. After she marries him she can never return home, so this wedding was bittersweet to say the least. But before she can fatefully cross the border, there are a million social and political barriers to be surpassed. It's really quite accurate, although it attempts to capture all of the Arab cultural and social issues related to Israel-Syria dynamics in one 90-minute film, which can't be done. But they came impressively close.

Then I got back to my room, sprawled out on my bed, checked my facebook, and wondered what to do next. So I went for another walk in the other direction to buy some vegetables. Hopefully I'll make dinner tomorrow.

As I was walking back from the vegetable stand I wondered why I was feeling so de-motivated, as if I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do. Obviously, I have a lot to do, although none of it is particularly urgent.

I think it's because I don't know what lies around the corner. The mystery that is my life two weeks from now has paralyzed me. It's forcing me to live for today, which I always thought was a good thing. But somehow, it feels empty.

Oh, a new mystery to solve - live for today or plan for the future? Maybe I'll invest myself in resolving this dilemma.

Or maybe I'll track the gecko currently climbing down my curtains to figure out how he gets back on the wall - and to make sure he doesn't end up on my bed.

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