Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Intimacy and other random thoughts
I'm just a tad unnerved by the realisation of how little anonymity I can have on this blog. Either I hide every single detail about myself, or I accept that every minute detail can be known. I tend to strive for a happy medium, something that is true and informative, but not too intimate. But that doesn't work. For the resourceful surfer-hacker out there, all can be uncovered.
So today I think I will ponder the concept of intimacy.
If you've been following my blog lately, you know that I've been putting a lot of energy into rather weighty topics. More than usual, that is. After all, I'm a sociologist, so deep thinking is my trade. While I prefer to write my portraits, these days, it seems the portraits are consistently pointing me to analysis of some sort. I'm not doing such a great job of enjoying those portraits merely for the beauty of the people I'm attempting to portray. Instead I'm probing, analysing, seeking.
I feel like if I understand their story, perhaps I will understand my own story just a little bit better. During the past week some colleagues and I have been meeting with local youth networks and they have been drawing their social maps for us. The social maps are a good reminder that everything in our world is interconnected. Your life may overlap with mine only through this blog, or through reading each other's blogs. But what happens to me impacts you in some small way, and what you learn can be insightful to my own view of the world. It's a beautiful thing, this interconnectedness.
Which brings me back to intimacy. I am noticing in my complex web of layered relationships, that most people I know are better at intimacy than me, are able to open their hearts further than I can mine. (For example, most people wouldn't spend most of their blog post on intimacy writing about social maps!)
And yet, you might posit, this blog is so introspective, it shares so much! That's what I used to tell myself, but I'm seeing that voluntarily peeling back one layer of skin is a great way to get out of having two or three or four layers ripped off. Generally, avoiding deep wounds is a good thing, but there are also many instances in which the wound is needed, if for nothing else than to heal a yet-deeper wound.
There is a lot about myself that I don't acknowledge even to myself, and much more that I don't acknowledge to others. Part of it is my reaction to my lifestyle, which has left my skin too tender to react to further cuts in a healthy way. Raw, irritated skin probably can't handle more than one layer of removal. But habits die hard, and if it's not something I do, I'm not sure how it's something I would learn to do.
And that's about all I have to say about that, because this blog is an acknowledgement of what is, not an attempt to peel more skin. Not yet, anyway.
...sharing my very-very-imperfect words with the lovely community of much-more-perfect-than-mine words, Emily's Imperfect Prose