So I'm going to attempt a deeper level of introspection, of self-analysis, here. It's a little scary to consider... I've always worked pretty hard to not bare too much to the world in these parts. But I feel like God has convicted me about starting to slowly pick away at my defenses, and this is the best place I know to start. So I don't know how this is going to pan out, I have no idea how often I'll be posting here or what I'll be writing about, and I don't necessarily expect anyone to read it - after all, who wants to read the self-examination of another human being? But I'm declaring myself "back" - to myself, anyway.
And see? Here is where I'm stuck. The message at church tonight really convicted me about something in my life: it was about acknowledging the Truth of God in our lives and challenging the Lies we tell ourselves. The preacher-lady gave several examples from her own life of how this plays out and, I can't remember which of her stories sparked it, but I realised that I'm dealing with a lie in my life. She said something about the opposite of faith being fear. Faith obviously equating with Truth, with Fear obviously equating with Lies.
Because just earlier today I was thinking about how scared I am of things that I really want. So then I begin to question whether I really want them - how can I want something when I fear it? And therein lies the lie: it's actually not a question of whether I want it or not, maybe I do and maybe I don't. But God has promised me what he's promised me, and I have to have faith that he's going to do what what he promised, without fear - regardless of my own desires which, to be fair, I don't even understand.
So that's my lesson for today. Have faith, learn how to let the faith defeat the fear. Believe the promise and stop wondering whether I want to or not, because the Truth is the Promise, not my desire. The fact I need to want it is the Lie. And then God will do what he'll do.
But it goes a bit further than this, to be fair... if I don't learn how to do the above, then there's no reason to expect God's promises to come true, is there? Which may be what I want, but it shouldn't be, should it?
Was this ridiculously cryptic? Probably. I'm not very good at this open-heart thing.