Sunday, November 27, 2011

I'm back!

CulturTwined is still going strong and is where I'm focusing my efforts, but I've felt the need to be a little more contemplative in my writing than I have in the past. A good friend has always been telling me to have an "open heart", something that in theory I think I have, but in practice I know I don't. I'm open to the idea of having an open heart, and I want to be open, but the reality is that the life I've lived has taught me to shut down.

So I'm going to attempt a deeper level of introspection, of self-analysis, here. It's a little scary to consider... I've always worked pretty hard to not bare too much to the world in these parts. But I feel like God has convicted me about starting to slowly pick away at my defenses, and this is the best place I know to start. So I don't know how this is going to pan out, I have no idea how often I'll be posting here or what I'll be writing about, and I don't necessarily expect anyone to read it - after all, who wants to read the self-examination of another human being? But I'm declaring myself "back" - to myself, anyway.

And see? Here is where I'm stuck. The message at church tonight really convicted me about something in my life: it was about acknowledging the Truth of God in our lives and challenging the Lies we tell ourselves. The preacher-lady gave several examples from her own life of how this plays out and, I can't remember which of her stories sparked it, but I realised that I'm dealing with a lie in my life. She said something about the opposite of faith being fear. Faith obviously equating with Truth, with Fear obviously equating with Lies.

Because just earlier today I was thinking about how scared I am of things that I really want. So then I begin to question whether I really want them - how can I want something when I fear it? And therein lies the lie: it's actually not a question of whether I want it or not, maybe I do and maybe I don't. But God has promised me what he's promised me, and I have to have faith that he's going to do what what he promised, without fear - regardless of my own desires which, to be fair, I don't even understand.

So that's my lesson for today. Have faith, learn how to let the faith defeat the fear. Believe the promise and stop wondering whether I want to or not, because the Truth is the Promise, not my desire. The fact I need to want it is the Lie. And then God will do what he'll do.

But it goes a bit further than this, to be fair... if I don't learn how to do the above, then there's no reason to expect God's promises to come true, is there? Which may be what I want, but it shouldn't be, should it?

Was this ridiculously cryptic? Probably. I'm not very good at this open-heart thing.


Anonymous said...

I'm excited to see you posting some more personal stuff, Kati! And I look forward to reading about your journey. It already sounds like you've got lots of good stuff going on inside your heart and head.
I think you've really hit on an important growing edge here... Sometimes it's easier to accept deep truths than it is to courageously live them out in our lives. I hope you continue to find God's promises and truths to be strongholds in your life!
Blessings, my friend! Always!

TheAxe said...

Not overly cryptic. It's awesome! I have more to say but tired and brain is fuzzy, I'll comment more tomorrow when I can think straight :)

Kati patrianoceu said...

Thanks Bristol for the encouragement... I'll try to keep it positive and hopeful... because that is Truth, isn't it!

TheAxe... I'm very curious!

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