If you're reading this and you're someone I know, chances are that at one point or another I have wondered why you can't love me. (Unless you're my parents... my parents have never given me reason to doubt their love for me... but I have a feeling that has more to do with them than it does with me.) But anyone else, why can't you love me?
Now, at this point, I feel fairly confident that you are having one of two reactions. Either you are mentally listing off the reasons why you can't love me. Or you are pitying me for feeling unlovable because it's not true.
I ask myself why I feel unlovable, and I have a good idea that this is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. If I believe I am unlovable, I am unlovable. Yes, I suppose I do push people away. For a long time I had to keep people at arm's length because it hurt too much to draw near and then sever ties. Actually, I write that in the past tense, but this still describes most of my friendships. I didn't want to love because I didn't want to feel guilty for walking, as I inevitably would. And now I've forgotten how to draw near.
But I think there's something else that I fear. As any true introvert might, I'm realising that I am actually scared of people. I am passionate about people and care for humanity, and I'm a sociologist who has made a career of people, but even so I'm scared. I know my little corner and I like my little corner. I like the predictability of my space and I like having time to sit by myself. People distract me from time spent by myself. I love people, too, but I'm scared of losing that little bit of comfort, the only comfort I've been able to count on for quite a while. My introverted comfort. Well, that and West Wing.
So I find myself refusing to love, even when I don't mean to. And so I seem to be unlovable.
I wonder how many other women struggle with feeling unlovable. I'd venture to guess that a lot of us do, even if for different reasons.
I wonder how many men struggle with feeling unlovable. I can't help but suspect not as many.
Since my last post was about rejecting the lies in our lives, I do want to say here that I acknowledge the lie inherent behind what I've written just now. But I don't yet have a truth to counteract it. And if anyone is reading this, and wants to say that the Truth is that God loves me, then I will reply by saying that that tells us a lot more about God than it does about me. And if that's just the way it is, then maybe I just need to accept my unlovable-ness for what it is.