Saturday, December 17, 2011

There are things I can't bring myself to write

Are there things that you're too ashamed to admit to, even to yourself, even in your deepest heart?

I think I have a lot of those. They're not even dark secrets or horridly embarrassing things; they're just things that I don't feel comfortable admitting. Sometimes, I write them down and then I look back at the paragraph I just wrote and feel like someone else wrote it; it just doesn't look right. But usually, I can't even bring myself to write them in a private journal or say out loud to an empty room.

These things generally have to do with my deepest desires and fears. I think I'm unwilling to put them into words because I'm such an analytical person, and so I know that I'm not really sure I want or fear those things and that my heart can be so easily affected by external circumstances, as I explored in my previous post. So they stay unformulated. And so they are not realised. I don't face the fear, I don't pursue the desires.

I wonder if I should change that. I think I probably should change that.

But it's not happening today. Maybe I could bring myself to do it, but not on this blog because this is that moment at which I realise that I do, indeed, care about what other people think. I don't want you to know my deepest desires and fears. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I fear your reaction. I don't quite know why I should fear your reaction, but I do.


Katharine said...

I was just thinking about this yesterday morning; I definitely have those. I think part of why I don't want to vocalize them or especially write about them is fear of being misunderstood. The fear, thoughts or feelings I can't bear to name are often complicated. I can barely understand them myself, much less open myself up to having others explore them.

Of course, sometimes I overcome the fear, try to express them to others and they end up helping me sort it out better than I ever could have myself. But sometimes it's not such a nice ending...

Kati patrianoceu said...

Ah yes, the fear of being misunderstood - you're right, and you describe that feeling so well. Wow, we sure do manage to cause ourselves a lot of pain, don't we?!

Shanda said...

I think we all feel that way and few if any put all their desires into blog words! Don't be too hard on yourself.

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